SEO Professional needed for top google ranking

SEO expert or SEO company needed to rank website high on google. We are currently building a site that needs to be ranked highly for several keywords noted below. We have a SEO friendly domain name ([login to view URL]), and we have selected specific keywords with low competition. The keywords and the rankings required (on [login to view URL] and [login to view URL]) are listed below: 1) Funny Things: Must be ranked 1st . 2) Epic videos: Must be ranked top 3 3) Wtf videos: Must be ranked top 3 4) Funny shit: Must be ranked top 5 5) Random funny pictures: Must be ranked top 5 6) lol photos: Must be ranked top 5 We must emphasize that it is essential that we are ranked 1st for the key phrase: "funny things". We have a timescale of 2-3 months, but we must be ranked 1st for the key phrase "funny things" within 2 months. The sooner the completion, the happier we will be. We are looking for a freelancer that can and will offer a guarantee that the rankings will not drop, especially for the keywords "funny things". The work should follow the below rules: SEO should follow: ****No methods or techniques that will get the site banned, de-indexed or sandbox**** - Expert understanding of Google & Panda Updates and how to work with them - NO BLACK HAT OR GREY HAT METHODS (Only White Hat) - No SEO Spam techniques - Pages must be indexed and cached by Google, Yahoo and Bing within last 30-60 days - No unethical methods - Links must be from UK based websites. - Links must be from English language websites only. - Link pages must be visible, readable, indexable & 'do follow' - Links must be permanent - One-way links only - No paid traffic sites. -No banned sites, violent, illegal sites, etc. - Links that are not approved must be replaced by the service provider - Linked sites must be search engine friendly, established and fully active. - Maximum 1 link per page, 2 links per domain. - Prefer authoritative domains (.[login to view URL]) - No [login to view URL] blocking. No links from rel="nofollow" or "noindex" tag for pages themselves and for anchor text. - No Java links, jump scripts, framed pages, redirects, cloaking, CSS redirects, 301 redirects, dynamic links, Flash sites/pages, hidden links, no string parameters, etc. - No use of automated software or bots. - No link farms, link exchange programs and web rings. - Link pages must be visible, readable, indexable & 'do follow' - Links must be permanent - One-way links only - We'd like to be updated with frequent reports. Excel format preferential. If you use the quote "Koizi Bros" at the start of your offer, we will assume that you have read the criteria and will be much more likely to hire you. Payment structure: 25% will be paid when website is ranked 1st on [login to view URL] and [login to view URL] for the search query "funny things". 35% will be paid when website is ranked as outlined previously for the other search queries. A 7% deduction from the agreed fee will apply for any search query that has not met its desired ranking as described above. 10% of the fee will be paid when the website holds its position in the previously mentioned rankings every month for a total of 4 months. (total of 40% to be paid over 4 months). Thank you, feel free to PM me for any other details.